Miss yourself?

Ever think about a certain stage in your life where you actually loved who you was? Like the way you acted and the way you protected yourself was just beautiful but something happened that just made you diminish that whole personality? I don’t ever think that when something bad happens, you lose that sense of person. You just end up building a wall and protecting that precious part of your personality so people don’t ruin it. The old part of you will always stay but it takes that one person to trust within yourself to bring it back out.

Nothing is ever missing

If you think about it, that part of your soul never truly goes missing, just misplaced. All those pieces that you built up just jumble themselves up like a jigsaw puzzle. You should never feel the need to throw away that part of yourself you loved, someone who makes you lose that feeling isn’t a person you want in your life. Otherwise you will end up becoming a person you’re not happy with and you need to be happy with who you are. You will always miss a certain point of yourself in your life, but you can always bring that person back especially if it had you at your happiest. You need to throw away the things that ruined it for you and focus on yourself.

Realising

You need to realise that people will be jealous of you, especially if their personality isn’t one made of beauty and yours is. They will often try and diminish yours to make themselves feel better but what you need to realise is that, that doesn’t mean the personality you have is bad or stupid. It’s quite the opposite, it means it’s perfect and you’re perfect just with a few set backs that’s all. You’re more then the person that’s jealous of you. So be the person that made you happy, be that person who smiled at the clouds and be that person who finds the world beautiful in a matter of chaos. You be that person and you choose who you want to be and you live your perfect life. Promise that?

Nothing to something ✌💜

I’ve been away for a bit, I’ve been going through some rough patches of figuring out what I mean to people and where I stand with them. So I wanted to take some time out to explain something to you I worked out.

Have you ever been talking to someone and it felt like you were putting everything into it but they were just kind of shooting away any effort to ensure they kept you? Then you end up just drowning in your sorrows and wondering what’s the matter with you? 😕 when your mind is a big black ball of nothingness and your individuality just bases itself into a void of nothingness too? Have you felt like that? Well fuck that. You don’t deserve to feel that way and fuck anyone who makes you feel that way.

You ARE something, even if you mean nothing to someone. YOU YOURSELF is something. You don’t need to feel like you’re something to somebody whatsoever. You need to feel comfortable within yourself and you need to love yourself. So to get from nothing to something with someone, it’s easy! You just hold your middle finger up at them if they see you as nothing. You make it clear to them that you stand on your own two feet, that you are powerful and that you deserve to feel that something special. ❤ you are that perfect piece in a knot that unties everything.

Empowerment!! 💪💪

Start showing your power, don’t be afraid to stand taller then everyone else. There will come a time where you will have to question what you mean to someone and instead of sitting there for hours on end questioning it, you need to sit there, smile and show your worth. You don’t need to question where you stand because you know where you stand! And where you stand is over everyone who has ever made you feel like this, telling them what’s wrong with them all and making them question themselves! 👀

Never feel like you need to mean something to someone to feel loved. Love yourself and know your worth. Please. ❤

Elyn Saks. TED Talk. Picked out. ❤

So I had a comment today on one of my posts telling me about a woman called Elyn Saks. So I checked her Ted talk about schizophrenia and I have to say I was truly inspired by her and everything she said. So I have decided pick it down and break it up and explore her and her story a little with you tonight.

Back ground 🌎

Elyn Saks is a Law professor at USC, she was born in 1956 and got diagnosed with Schizophrenia when she was only 28. Not that her mental illness has stopped her! She’s also written and published 5 books 📖

Elyn Saks was in a Psychiatric hospital on 3 different occasions during these, she was expected to just live in a board and work at menial jobs but fortunately. She did not go down this route as, as the future would hold she became a professor of Law Psychology.

A waking nightmare 🌉

Elyn saks in her TED talk expresses what it’s like to go through an episode of schizophrenia. She talks about how she can be left feeling confused and hurt. It’s like all the things that don’t happen in real life are happening right before your eyes. She states that you can’t just open your eyes like you normally could when having a nightmare. You can’t escape from it or make it go away.

After years of spending day in and day out of mental hospitals, Elyn after all of her daily therapy and heavy meditation, finally managed to get her illness under control. An amazing thing about Elyn is that she wrote a book about living with Schizophrenia and that book is called “The Center Cannot Hold”. I really recommend you find this book as it could truly inspire you and help you. You will know you’re not alone 😊

Role model 👑

Elyn Saks is now one of the most distinguished law professors at USC. She pushed herself, she showed incredible bravery and an incredible force against her illness and she won. She is an amazing individual and life deserves someone like her.

I highly recommend if you have her illness, please read up on her and get her books. She is truly an inspiration. ❤

Thank you to ashleyleia for commenting about her

Loss of reality 💭

So today I want to talk about people who suffer from Psychosis. I feel that out of a lot of mental illnesses, psychosis is the least talked about. I’ve recently been getting to know someone who suffers from Psychosis and they are a wonderful person, very spirited and talkative but what I also noticed was that they were very aware while being very anxious, analysing things that normally we wouldn’t do. So I took some time out to research and learn more about it, I have now produced this work and moved onto my own piece about it which I’m sharing with you today.

Wonderland 🌎👀

Here is a quote I found from someone who suffers from Psychosis; “I felt as though I was in wonderland. None of my friends or family understood why… I heard a voice calling in the sky. I was lost and lonely.” What I can firstly take from this is that the person is loosing touch with reality which us pretty much how you would describe Psychosis but it’s also classed as having an hallucination. Hallucinations can be both good and bad, this person is hearing a voice that others don’t which means it’s most likely his mind disintegrating and going somewhere else entirely. As well as Hallucinating you can also get Delusions, having a delusion can make you feel like someone is out to harm you even though there’s no evidence to suggest that.

Hallucinations and delusions are the two most common forms of Psychosis, they both play a huge part in affecting your thoughts and emotions, it feels like your mind is disorganised. Although it doesn’t sound nice, your Psychosis can be positive if you make it, two examples of this could be:

•Racing thoughts- Where your thoughts move like lightning and you get many ideas

•Flight of ideas- Your thoughts move from idea to idea, connecting links that others don’t.

Just remember many negatives will always come out with a positive at some point 😁

You’re not alone, unless you make yourself 💙

I want to go through with you what causes Psychosis, because some guidance is better then none at all!

•Physical illness/injury- Theses could cause you to see or hear things

•Drugs- Street drugs may result in you seeing or hearing things

•Lack of sleep- May cause Hallucinations

•Low blood sugar- May cause Hallucinations

•Death of a loved one- May cause you to see them or it’ll feel like their talking to you.

If you’re showing any signs or you don’t know where you need to go then there is always some peer support to be found. So if things get too bad, get extra help!

♡The hearing voices network

♡The national paranoir network

♡Bipolar UK

You’re a good friend right? 👑

If you have a friend who’s suffering with Psychosis then I’ve wrote a little list of what you can and shouldn’t do, please take your time to read these and I’m sure it’ll be appreciated because you’re taking time out to learn and try to help.

☆If someone or something bad has occurred then walk away with your friend. Don’t encourage!

☆Never dismiss their feelings on something as it’s probably took them a while to decide their feelings

☆If they start having a moment, let them have a breather but don’t loose sight of them

☆Don’t treat them like a child

☆Help them to breathe properly if they are struggling

All for you! 🔔🎊

My last message for you today is managing your psychosis. Here’s a short list of what I want you to do that can help you keep your mind balanced. Remember any little helps, you’re not bad for asking for help or following advice!

♢Make a diary that records your life events, your mood, diet and sleep

♢Don’t be afraid to ask for help

♢Relax, meditate, paint, clean, walk, build. Etc. Do something you love

♢Get enough sleep

♢Exercise

“Just because a person hears or sees something others don’t, doesn’t mean they can’t live a happy independent life” ❤

You and I. The dark fruit.

I wrote a little something for you and I
Will you hear me out and let the words drown your soul?
Like trying with every inch of your heart to reach out and grab these words off the screen

The font starts stirring and sucking away like a blood curdling leech.
They are no normal words, possessed by romance thy would have it.
That role by which you created became what you most obsessed.
Words, words such glorious soothing words

By which point you realise it’s dark.. You’re not reading any words.. You scream.
A mindless scream like a wendigo when burnt.

You see I wrote a little something for you and I.
Did you pay attention to the next line?
Because now your soul has drowned.

Sometimes poetry can take away any little pain we have inside of us. This is something I just created, I don’t feel sad. Nobody has hurt me, but for some reason it’s what my mind came up with. You could give it a try, let your mind take over you and just write away. Write with your hearts content. 📖

Oh.. What a wonderful life 👀

Sometimes life isn’t what we make it out to be, a lot of us see this cruel and vulnerable world while others see it as a more calm and peaceful world. Now the issue is, is that although these two statements are different, they are in fact quite simular and I’ll tell you why. Now the people who view the world as cruel and vulnerable, let’s just say about 8/10 would probably be going through some shit right now. They are probably in a really hard place and can’t see something good coming out of it, the other 2% probably see something good but are currently struggling. Right, now the people who view the world as a more calm and peaceful place no doubt about it have probably gone through the shit the 10% are going through right now. The difference is that they have reached the point in life where they can now relax, they no longer see the bad things in life anymore even though bad things still happen, they can handle it a lot better. 👀

Thinking time 💡

So this is when we have to start thinking okay? Do we as the people we are continue down this path of thinking the whole world is cruel or do we look at life a little bit brighter knowing things do get better? I mean I’m 21 and I’ve been through hell, I’ve been the one that caused hell but I’m still going and I look at life knowing that it’s getting better and better each day 🌎☔🌻

The quiet night 🌘🌃

You sit and you stir, you’re staring into the pure darkness of your room. There’s not a sound, apart from what you’re hearing in your head. You wanted to go to sleep at 10 and now the time is currently falling on 4am. You have done nothing but stare into nothing wondering why you’re even here. That quiet night you had has woken up the sad part of your soul and your left wondering into empty rooms in your head, trying to make them into something.

Read it, breathe and you got this!

Have you ever had a night like that? A night where the only sounds you heard are the voices in your head? Your mental health is serious and it should be taken seriously. Nights like theses can make you feel like you’re worth zero and that you’re alone. Well you’re not, that quiet night and those voices don’t mean you’re alone, it’s your mind playing tricks on you and making you feel that way. Don’t worry, we’re not abandoned by our thoughts when mental health hits us, we aren’t abandoned by anything, it just makes it a little harder for us to see the good in anything or want to reach out to someone. You know if you have a night like that, I want you to stare in the mirror at yourself, I want you to name 5 things that are beautiful to you, 5 people who mean the most to you and 5 things that make you happy. You repeat those in your head like a record on loop and when it comes to the night and you’re left in the dark and quiet. When those voices come back, you list all of those things and you argue with that voice until you win it. The quiet isn’t bad unless you make it bad.

Suicide cried 😭 while I screamed that I’m still alive.

Mentioning suicide to people can create a mixture of good and bad debates. Today I’m going to talk to you about when I first tried to take my life and see how it made me see the world in a different way. If you relate to this or you are going through suicide related things, then feel free to talk to me. Feel free to share this if you know people who stay quiet.

My poem 📖

When I first started feeling depressed and started showing signs of suicide, I made a poem. In this poem you can plainly see that I’m talking about putting a noose round my neck, slitting my wrists and then leaning forward to hang. When I first wrote this poem, my thoughts in my head were that if I wrote how I felt then maybe it would take it away, but it didn’t. Seeing the words on paper just made me want to do it more, even if it wasn’t as was mentioned in the poem. I just wanted to do something to take away that gut wretching feeling from inside my body.. So here’s the poem and please. Beware while reading it and don’t follow it as intrusions! Here we go: “One gulp and cough, the sour sweet. Next tie it round and tug it neat. Now grab the silver and let it meet, Your pale, soft and goosebump skin. You’re going down and digging in, it opens up so you swallow that gin. Once that’s done you take the hole, put it round your neck and get it to hold. Take a step forward and close your eyes, you did it right no one survives.”

My first attempt. 💊

So my first attempt was in 2017 when I was staying with my dad. I had been seeing someone before I moved away to live with my dad, I thought it was okay. It wasn’t the best relationship and I wasn’t in the best place. I had no self confidence, my social anxiety was through the roof, I had been diagnosed with depression and just felt sickened to my stomach with who I was. The guy I was seeing didn’t help me with that, I would get called an attention seeker or being accused of seeing other males, I would get called names for not showing him off on Facebook and he was and I see it now a down right spiteful and manipulative. One day, I was walking to the shop for my dad now the shop is literally 10 minutes down the road it takes me 20 minutes altogether to get there and back, I decided to leave my phone at home. I got back and I had over 15 missed calls and many messages calling me a slag, slut, whore because I had apparantly gone to someone’s house and slept with them. So by this point I was really in a downward spiral because I couldn’t even go to the shop without being accused of something and then feeling like it was my fault. Sooner in the evening me and my dad were having a film night together. I had told my partner at the time and he had no issue. I left my phone in the bedroom and watched 2 films and had a pizza. On a break I went into the bedroom and guess what? Over 30 missed calls and over 20 messages, I got called every bloody name under the sun because I didn’t let him know my phone was being kept in the bedroom. I called him to explain and I got told to drop dead and to kill myself. At this point I had given up within myself and everything. I sat in front of my dad’s mirror and got out every single pill I had been collecting. There were over 40 pills, I just cried and watched myself take every single one. I then stuck my earphones in and I lay on the bed and I just drifted away. It was peaceful. One of my friends has got in contact with my dad and he came to check on me. I was pretty out of it, he had to keep slapping me and tugging me to keep me awake until the ambulance arrived. I was there most of the night and had to have them sucked out my system. A few days later, I had messaged the so called “boyfriend” and I got called an attention seeker and I never heard of him again. After my first attempt I did feel better within myself because I had felt what it would of been like to just be lifeless and I didn’t like it, I wanted to try again. So I did, I tried at life again.

How I felt different 🌎

The main reason I felt so different was my emotions. I could see how things affected different people, I wasn’t so quick to give my own opinion on something anymore, I wanted to learn what everyone thought and made sure I knew enough. I could sense someone not feeling okay, or about to cry and that made it easier to connect with people. Back to how I thought of suicide back then and then today. There is a huge difference, back then I used to think that when I was sad suicide was the only answer. To a life of ever lasting peace but it’s not! If I had gotten away with that first attempt and I killed myself, I wouldn’t of seen what I would of turned into. I wouldn’t of gotten to say goodbye to my parents, I wouldn’t of gotten to see my brother again and how he grows up. Life is all about mistakes and hurtful moments and moments where you just feel like you need to be took away but that’s life, some people hurt you more just because they can but we can’t let them win. We can’t give up on our life’s just because someone has nothing better to do with theirs. We are the pride and joy of our own lives and it’s up to us to make it worth living. I’m happy I’m still here and I’m happy that I got to go through life the difficult way because I am eternally grateful and always will be.

Know that if you feel like you have nothing left, you don’t know what the future holds. You gotta stand on your two feet, hold your head up strong and make people bow down to you. Because you are willful and you are powerful. Don’t let people treat you like you’re any less!